Why You Feel Guilty Saying “No”.

Do you often say yes when you want to say no? Feel anxious about disappointing others? Worry that setting boundaries makes you selfish or “too much”?

If so, you might be caught in a pattern of people-pleasing — a deeply ingrained way of relating that prioritises others’ comfort over your own needs.

And while it may look like kindness on the outside, people-pleasing often comes at a high personal cost: anxiety, resentment, emotional exhaustion, and burnout.

What is People-Pleasing Really?

People-pleasing is more than just being “nice.” It’s a survival strategy — often rooted in early experiences — where being agreeable, helpful, or easy to be around felt safer than being honest, assertive, angry or upset.

It sounds like:

“I don’t want to upset them.”
“It’s easier if I just do it.”
“I feel bad putting myself first.”
“They’ll think I’m selfish.”

And you may find yourself:

• Saying yes to things you don’t have the capacity for

• Avoiding conflict at all costs

• Apologising for things that aren’t your fault

• Feeling guilty when you rest or prioritise yourself

• Silencing your needs or feelings to keep the peace

• Measuring your worth by how needed or liked you are

You may think, “I’ll be okay … as long as everyone around me is okay with me”.

But, over time, constantly giving to others while neglecting yourself can leave you feeling exhausted, resentful, anxious, and disconnected from your own needs.

Why We People-Please

People-pleasing often develops in childhood, especially in environments where love, approval, or safety are felt to be conditional. You may have learned that being good or helpful earned you connection, while expressing your needs led to disapproval, criticism or withdrawal.

It’s not a flaw — it’s a coping mechanism. But, as adults, it can leave you feeling invisible and unsure of who you are beneath the roles you play for others.

Breaking Free from People-Pleasing

Breaking free from people-pleasing doesn’t mean becoming harsh or uncaring. It means learning to honour your needs as much as you honour everybody else’s.

Remember, we learnt to people-please for good reason, so the goal isn’t to shame our people-pleasing, but to slowly and gently unlearn it with kindness and compassion.

Here are some ideas to start:

1. Notice the Pattern Without Judgement

Start with compassionate awareness.

When do you say yes when you mean no? When do you apologise automatically? When do you avoid expressing a need?

Ask yourself:

• “What am I afraid would happen if I disappointed this person?”

• “Am I abandoning myself to avoid conflict?”

Gentle noticing is the first layer of healing.

2. Understand Where It Came From

People-pleasing is often rooted in childhood experiences, where being good, quiet, or helpful earned affection or kept you safe from emotional disconnection.

Therapy can help you understand:

• What was your “role” in the family

• What boundaries were allowed or punished

• What part of you still believes love must be earned through performance

3. Practice Micro-Boundaries

You don’t have to jump to huge changes. Start small:

• Pause before saying yes

• Say, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”

• Practice saying, “That doesn’t work for me,” even if your voice shakes

Each small act of self-trust builds your capacity to honour yourself.

4. Feel the Guilt and the Uncomfortableness

You will likely feel guilt and uncomfortableness when you start setting boundaries. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong — it means you’re breaking a pattern. Guilt isn’t always a sign you’re bad; sometimes it’s just a sign you’re growing and doing something different. Practice sitting with the uncomfortableness and notice where in your body you feel it.

Therapy helps you hold that guilt with kindness so it doesn’t send you running back into old habits.

5. Work with a Therapist who Gets It

Unlearning people-pleasing isn’t just a mindset shift — it’s a nervous system repair. Your body may react with anxiety, shutdown, or tension when you try to assert yourself.

A therapist can support you in untangling these patterns, not just mentally, but in your body and nervous system too.

At Michelle Engel Psychology, I use an integrated approach which includes:

• Somatic Therapy – to calm the body’s fear of conflict or disapproval

• Mindfulness Therapy – to help you feel present and grounded in your “no”

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) – to explore attachment wounds and shift relational patterns

Remember, You’re Allowed to Take Up Space

• You don’t have to prove your worth to others

• You don’t have to please everyone to be loved.

• And, you are allowed to have boundaries, needs, and preferences

- Michelle x

Need some help?

If this article resonates with you but you need some help starting, I’d be honoured to support you.

Get in touch today by booking a session or emailing me.

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